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‘Theater of Manners’ and then some

I could have written this.

“I tried to analyze my feelings and realized that most of them came from fear more than sadness. Maybe that’s what nostalgia is, even though in the dictionary it is defined as a desire or yearning to return to the past, or an irrecoverable condition. My fear, as far as I could decipher it, came from a strange sense of not being able to determine if I was dreaming, or if I had imagined my past…or if I was dreaming that I was dreaming.”

“…when I look at some of my photographs of larger groups of people there usually seems to be a token ‘loner.’ Is this fear of the inevitability of that final, drastic loneliness what instigated this obsessively frantic insistence to mark every living inch of life so as to not miss one detail? And with a stubbornness that I was born with, I demand that you take notice, and not look over, and never forget.”

“There is a contradiction in my pictures that says I feel closed out, distant, unable to enter into that person or place… [but] I want to get inside because it’s the only thing that’s worthwhile. The insignificance of the human being and life terrifies me and that feeling of doubt, reason for existence, keeps me on a continual search for substance, depth, validity. I want to know what people feel. Otherwise it’s too lonely.”

- Tina Barney

My journal excerpts:

2.4.2010 – I hadn’t even talked to her in over a year. But there she was, sputtering. “I’m just lost here. I don’t even have friends anymore. Who do I live with? Strangers? I have no idea. Who are you? Who am I? What am I going to do with my life? I’m moving to France.”

9.10.2009, referencing 1994 – Grabbing seeds from Elephant leaves. Stacking them in a mix of sand and sticks. Making shapes and animals. Building my own little world. It’s sunset. I’m with family, friends, and some strangers who live down the hall. We’re on the beach in a cottage. We’re covered in gritty salt. It’s been a long day already. I tried to wake up early like I do every morning to catch the morning’s quality of light. I missed it. I enjoy something similar right now. I really don’t want it to be dark. My sand sculpture will be there in the morning, I hope. If it rains the sculpture will gain a funny texture as it gets spattered with drops. You can see where each one fell. The sand is no longer soft then. It looks porous. It rains on most days. Then it dries. I watch the cycle knowing it will never stop. Time goes by like it always does only here it’s a little more fluid and drips by before I can stop to collect myself within its perfection.

5.20.2009 – I received this email today.

“hi micheal, it is hHope, i don’t know if i have the right guy, but we dated briefly in the late eighties, i live here in pawcatuck ct…next to chis and micheal. i bought a house a few months back. ,on moss street,it’s okay. i have a wonderful daughter. her name is elise. she is going to be 13 in june. i was looking for someone to take photos of her, and your name popped into my head, i remember the pictures you took of me, and going to rhode island school of design with you, the musem.. well don’t worry, i am not looking for romance. but i am hopeing to get a portfolio for my daughter. she is very tall and thin, well about five ft 7, and still is growing. she loves fashion, i thought i need some good photos of her, maybe we could start her off..she is really a great kid, but i can’t take a picture for the life of me. i tried to contact chris but there phone is not working, any ways, there you are in new york,,i hope this is you. i know that i could trust you with shooting my daughter, and i know you are the man when it comes to photos. so please write me. maybe we can meet up some where. if you are married, it’s cool micheal, honestly, this is a friendly letter, and also maybe a bit of business. elise is still very young, but she has my legs..( if you remember them)…and great hair, and eyes..oh well you have to see her….so what do you think? email me or call me..my phone number is …..hugs.hope frechette..”

Punctum – 2

A while back I wrote about my collection of vernacular photography. Every time I come home I jump around the local antique shops looking for something interesting. You may have read about Florida’s unusual cold snap. I almost froze while perusing the Fleamarket this morning, but I found the image above. Love.

See more below.

Mr. Eizo Ota – Police Inspector

This year I am a freshman RA for a photography-themed floor at NYU. One of my residents, Kay, introduced me to this series of images taken by her grandfather. Meet Mr. Eizo Ota. In the 70′s he was one of nine representatives sent over by the Japanese Government to research traffic control in the United States. Some of his prints have writing on the back and most have a stamp which (I assume) labels the year they were shot.

When I first sifted through the massive stack of prints I got extremely excited. I was taken by their cinematic quality and many of them were really silly (see: cowboy and cowboy hat). Ota’s series boasts many self-portraits, all taken in different places throughout the country which begin to feel like an attempt to prove he was “experiencing” the culture. Although, adding an edge of comedy, his serious expression is always completely at odds with the situation. I’m a sucker for the colors that exude from vintage color prints but despite that bias I think you’ll find some of the images really beautiful. The portraits are classic, a waitress, a security guard…

These one of a kind prints have begun to fade and curl at the edges so I’ve gone ahead and scanned them in. Take some time to explore Ota’s street scenes, landscapes, and more. They’re all worth it. It seems while Ota was conducting his research he became quite the tourist. I’ve posted the selection of images below, beginning with some self-portraits. I’d love to hear what you think.

Bike & Build 2010

If you’ve been to my website lately you would have noticed a link for Bike & Build. This summer I plan on cycling across the country in order to raise money for affordable housing projects like Habitat for Humanity.

I’ve crafted a thorough letter that can be read here or you can view a summary below…

______

Bike & Build is a non-profit that organizes cross-country biking trips for 18 – 25 year olds. Since 2002 they’ve raised over 2.4 million dollars for youth-oriented affordable housing projects. Starting June 18th I’ll join together with 30 other students as we pedal from Boston to Santa Barbara. We will average 80 miles a day, stop for six “build days” where we trade our bikes for hammers and work on housing projects, and each night stop in a different city to conduct a presentation about the cause.

My training has already begun and during the spring semester, in addition to volunteering with a local Habitat chapter, I will push through 500 miles on my bike prior to the trip.

In order to go on the trip each rider must raise $4,000 for the organization. Thus far I have raised a little over $1,000 which means I have a long way to go. If you are at all interested in donating please visit this link to read my bio and donate directly.

For more information you can visit http://www.bikeandbuild.org.

During the trip I will be updating this blog to let you know where we are and how we’re doing. And, of course, there will be a ton of images.
If you have friends or family that are interested in cycling please forward this on or link to my website.

Also, I’d love to hear any fund raising ideas.

Thanks for reading!

Punctum

It’s an experience everyone shares. You show up at a thrift store, antique show, or flea market and begin to rifle through a pile of old photographs. You get sucked in. Flip, flip, flip. People on average spend half a second with each image. Flip, flip, stop. What is that image that forces your rhythmic shuffle to a halt? What is in that image that forces you to take out your wallet and spend the $1 (or sometimes more, if the dealer has a sense of aesthetics) to take that image home? This is a simple question, one that was raised in my Poetics of Witnessing class and left me thinking for the next couple of weeks. What images stop to make us think? What images stop to make us look? What are we thinking? What are we looking for? Quick thoughts:

  • The moments surrounding the photographs – what was happening before? What was happening after? Is there a narrative? Are there more images in the pile that can help to piece the mystery together?
  • The photograph speaks for itself. It’s simply interesting.
  • People you think you recognize, those universal qualities. What is the same? What is different?
  • What is the difference between photos you’re in, photos you’ve taken, and photos you look at?
  • Emergencies and traumatic events. Why is she on a stretcher?
  • How places have changed since the photograph was taken.
  • I’m looking for myself.
  • Eternally looking to recognize someone.
  • If you see yourself in the past it makes the world feel more connected.
  • When people are in love with the occasion – love is in the air – D-Day, what will eventually be Obama’s election and inauguration.
  • Consistency in subject matter that helps to construct a narrative.

This question is different from why do you want to look at old photographs? After all, what compels us to do so in the first place? What about the anonymity of the photographer? It almost seems like the images just came into being. Who was supposed to hold onto them? Where have they been and why are they here? Will someone ever be asking these same hundreds of questions about an image of me? Will people ever look at my images and wonder why I took what I took and who I am and what I did? It’s strange how often people look at these images and wonder ‘who are these people’ rather than ‘who was the photographer.’ Especially when the images are beautiful. It’s, as a classmate put it, “a science of looking through desirable or detestable bodies.”

And in the end these images are only the sum of what you bring to them. The personal narratives that you construct are likely nothing more than what you know. This reminds me of an interesting point that was brought to my attention the other day. NYU hosted a conversation between two genius contemporary authors: Jonathan Safran Foer, one of our professors, and Zadie Smith. While discussing memory Zadie mentioned how perturbed she can be by sifting through photographs after an event. The images begin to substitute her memories. That fluid intangible thing that is filled with emotions and random sparks of faces, laughs, and objects is succeeded by a static image. I started to think about the places I’ve photographed. I tried to remember them as memories and not photographs. This was extremely difficult. Photography make life both easier to remember and impossible to recall.

After discussing old photographs and the undiscovered wonders that wait patiently throughout the city’s fleamarkets, I had an itching to go exploring. Early one Saturday morning I arrived at The Garage. As I pushed past the hanging flaps of semi-translucent plastic that keeps out the flies and locks in the smells, I paused. Vendors sat with their wares which ranged from ceramics to sunglasses to old school pinup girl posters. Immediately to my right I spotted a familiar sight. Among various Polaroid cameras and beaten down SLRs sat a little plastic container filled with brown-tinted photographs. I dove in. Strangely, I never really stopped to think about precisely what I was looking for. I just looked. I felt like a curator as I threw down images into a pile to the left of forgettables, a pile in the middle for slight curiosities, and a pile to the right for true loves. After possibly 600 images I began to ‘kill puppies’ as my professor would say. I knocked down my selection and took them to the vendor.

I looked at most of the images strewn throughout the first floor. One table split the images by race: blacks and whites. As I looked through each section I was unnerved by the complete lack of overlap in skin color. I moved on. The top floor brought a stack of Polaroids, mostly taken at parties. I saw mullets, nudity, and too much beer. I kept seeing the same people hulled up in the same broken down house with wood-paneled walls accented by cigarette butts. Who were they and why did they care so much about documenting this endless stream of hangovers and legwarmers. By the time I was done, many hours later, I had a substantial handful of images tucked into the back of my journal. Each one I cherished more than any print I would purchase in a gallery. These were originals. Anonymous, unique, and completely unpretentious. Some made me laugh, with their self-proclamations like “Mark Twain Community-Golf Course + Me.” This image of a woman with her back to the camera exuded the same emotions I felt while watching the last piece in Paris Je’ Taime.

I’ve posted a majority of the images I collected that day throughout this post in hopes you will feel a little bit of why I chose these instead of the others among the hundreds of images that flitted past my eyes that day. Looking through the collection was nourishing, a slide into history and that never ending habit of snapping photographs. In someway I feel like I’m fulfilling the photographer’s dreams of igniting their vision for decades to come. Maybe it’s a karma thing, I’ll probably never know.

Tangent: A film photograph captures someone’s energy (the light bouncing off of their bodies). Does digital change that? There’s no direct absorbance of energy.

Light – Margaret Tait

This poem is everything.

Light

Did you say it’s made of waves?
Yes, that’s it.
I wonder what the waves are made of.

Oh, waves are made of waves.
Waves are what they are,
Shimmeringness,
Oscillation,
Rhythmical movement which is the inherent essence
       of all things.
Ultimately, there’s only movement,
Nothing else.
The movement that light is
Comes out of the sun
And it’s so gorgeous a thing
That nothing else is ever anything unless lit by it.
- Margaret Tait

Read this. Fall in love.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Leprechaun, March 2009

Leprechaun, March 2009

I’m sure he’s thrilled.

One in Eight Million

© Todd Heisler

© Todd Heisler

Oh man, in one week I will finally have some freedom. Spring Break could not possibly come any sooner. So many things have been bearing down on me lately…

© Todd Heisler

© Todd Heisler

In other news, I’ve been more than inspired by one of the New York Times’ best online series to date. From the very beginning I knew this was going to be something good, but now that there’s a significant breadth to the project I figured I’d post up the link. One in Eight Million is a series of profiles that extract a life from the behemoth that is the population of New York City. If anything, you will find yourself extremely humbled. As cliché as it may sound, this really represents what journalism is (or rather, should be) about. Telling real stories about real people, not filling people’s heads with frivolous nonsense and giving Joe the Plumber a book signing. They’re rather short and all of them are worth a look (you will fall in love with the voice of the Mozzarella Maker) but my personal favorite is the Urban Taxidermist. Not enough can be said about Todd Heisler‘s photographs and how well they supplement the dialogue. From the images to the interview and presentation, I have nothing to give but praise. Don’t miss it!

© Todd Heisler

© Todd Heisler

© Todd Heisler

© Todd Heisler

Journal Entry – 1.11.09

My family on my Mom’s side, the “Moore’s,” are one of the oldest Fort Myers families. My Grandfather was one of the ‘community leaders’ if you will. He was King of Edisonia, all of that superficial McGregor nonsense I sort of ignored in high school.

However, we owned a house on Cordova near Fort Myers High just off of McGregor. The house my Mom grew up in.

My grandfather built a motel downtown “with his bare hands” and it still exists today – although we sold it and it’s now known as the Rock Lake Resort.

They lived here when McGregor was a dirt road. My great grandfather owned the only ferry that could take anyone down or across the river. Thomas Edison and Henry Ford took that ferry many times. Once, they were having a boat party and my grandmother fell off the side and started screaming. Somehow she survived.

My grandfather’s first job, at 13, was to knock beehives off of Thomas Edison’s front porch.

My Mom says my grandfather was a lot like me, he could never sit still. He always had to be doing something. He also got Alzheimer’s and passed away when I was in elementary school. They say it skips a generation.

When my Mom was young my parents really gave her everything, she was an only child. She went to Edison Park, where I went to elementary school, Fort Myers High, where I went to high school, and Florida State University, where my sister goes to college.

She was a majorette at FMHS. I have her diploma and her baton and all of those funny old “treasures.”

The house on Cordova was built like a tank. It’s withstood many hurricanes and remains there today. My Mom has told me countless stories about that house, some frightening, some inspiring, all interesting.

When my Mom’s parents passed away – her Dad to brain disease, her Mother to cigarettes – the house was left to us. It had been abandoned since the 70′s. It was falling apart.

The air, they said, “was toxic.” The floor was littered in rat poop. The entire side panel of the front was eaten away by termites and where there once was wood, there now was honeycomb – home to thousands of bees. On the back porch, the roof had fallen in. Termites ate away half the wood floor… most of the foundation.

In my Mom’s closet upstairs all of the books had been sitting there so long, in mildew and filth, that they’d somehow formed one giant column of papers.

The house sat on two lots, stretching from one McGregor road to the other. The backyard was overgrown, with a 50′s style brick barbecue that had a tree growing through it – cracking the bricks and ruining the furnace.

When I tried to go upstairs my parents would scold me, warning that I could fall through the roof, or worse.

Windows were broken, pipes were busted, and the electricity was shot (including the wiring).

In reality, it was in total disrepair.

Every month we would get a citation from the city – this house needs to be condemned.

So we’d mow the lawn. The city would shut up for a little while.

A few months later, the same thing.

“When are you ever going to do something to that house?” My Dad would say.

“I don’t want to think about it.” Would be my Mom’s stubborn reply – the same reply she gives to everything that’s important or a big task.

Years went by. My Mom’s cousin offered to buy it. “What are you going to do with it?” asked my Mom.

“Demolish it.”

That was the end of that.

My Mom was looking for someone that wanted the house because of its charm, because of its history. She wanted someone to love it as much as she did.

Every week, intermittently with the citations from the city, we would also receive phone calls and letters from real estate lawyers and other potential buyers. Most were looking for easy money or simply wanted it for the lots.

Who would want to put hundreds of thousands of dollars into a house after purchasing the property? Bulldozing is so much easier.

And then there was Stacey Brown.

A friend of my elementary school violin teacher, Stacey worked in the same building my Dad did. Every day she would peer out her office window, waiting for the little white door just below to open up. Out would slink my Dad – it was time for his cigarette break.

Out she would go, pretending she was a smoker too, and would – just so happen to – bump into my Dad.

“Oh! So how about that house?” She would nag. My Dad, used to the pestering, would say: “She’s never going to sell that house.”

My Dad knew how stubborn my Mom was – something that’s taken me 20 years to finally get.

2 years went by, Stacey didn’t let up. And one day, as she sauntered downstairs to what had become a seemingly pointless routine, my Dad changed his tune.

“I think she’s ready.”

Without any thought, she said: “This weekend. What time.”

Stacey and her husband had their eye on two other houses because they figured the Cordova house was a lost cause. However, just before they were forced into a decision that Stacey said made her husband’s “stomach hurt” they were all of a sudden meeting my Dad for a tour.

It was a disaster. Worse than they thought. And worse, my Mom would not allow a house inspection or appraisal for fear it would be condemned.

Her husband duly noted “I only have one fixer-upper in me. If we do this, this is it. No more moving on to something fancier. We buy it. We fix it. We love it.”

They bought it.

Somehow, in the cosmic fate of the universe, and out of what seemed like nowhere. A family bought the house from us at a decent price… even with all the meticulous (and annoying as hell) terms that my Mom put on it.

A) Pay a good price for the house and the two lots
B) Clean it out FOR US, and put what we want in storage
C) Keep it like it is, but feel free to gut it – which in reality meant years of work before they could even dream of moving in.

After 3 years of wonder, today, I went back to the house.

When I arrived I could hear little kids running about inside. I rang the doorbell.

Stacey’s husband answered and I started to stammer ‘hi i’m michael george carol’s son she used to own the house i know i didn’t announce myself but i’d kind of like to see things i’m sorry for -’

“Come in.” He said.

I almost shit myself. The house was gorgeous. I kind of felt like those people do on Trading Spaces – only this was an entire house and it wasn’t done with cheap IKEA trash.

Every room had work. I felt like I was on the site of some great constructive masterpiece. Every wall we passed he would describe… “Well I had to rip this out, the termites ate it. I redid the siding and the plaster and the flooring and the molding and the wiring and the this and the that and took out this wall and put in this beam and yadda yadda.”

We went through every room as he detailed the construction. It had changed, and yet it hadn’t.

“This is the room where your Mom lived during high school. This is the mirror she probably used to get ready for dates.”

“This was your grandparent’s room. This was their bathroom. This was his closet. This was her closet.”

I wanted to cry.

I don’t think I ever realized how hard it’s been to live without truly knowing my family. I’ve met them through photographs and documents and trinkets and stories and little shocks of nostalgia, but most of the time it all feels like a dream. I was born late – my Mom was too old, the family was too old.

We went downstairs and into the backyard – which is probably one of the largest (if not the largest) in that section of McGregor because it’s basically an entire lot. There was a large rabbit pen with hay where Stacey and her daughters were playing and introducing a “visitor bunny” to the others.

We went into the carport and I was told about all the old Rock Lake Motel 50′s space heaters that were stored in the garage and eventually thrown out. About how the old bath mats, removed from the Motel when we sold it, were given to C.R.O.W. as bedding for rescued animals.

About all the garage sales they had. All the storage units to where they lugged our stuff. All the time and the care and the passion they put into making sure what my Mom wanted is what actually happened – and yet my mother barely knows any of this.

I thought about trying to tell her it all, and realized she would just have to see it for herself.

I tried to decide how lucky we were to find people that would do exactly what my Mom wanted.

Before I left Stacey said, “Oh, hold on!” She ran upstairs and ran down with what she called another “little treasure.”

She handed me a little pair of wings. On the back was etched “Mrs. Charles S. Moore.” That was my great grandmother. These were the wings they gave wives whose husbands were serving in World War I.

“I find these things all the time and I just don’t know where to put them. Most are taken to the storage unit.”

I don’t know why my Mom has never taken me to the storage unit. I suppose when I do go it will be a chance to relive my history. And yet as much as all of this is inspiring and heartwarming I can’t but feel a tinge of sadness – because it’s all just that… history.

My mother is old and my father has passed. In a few decades no one will be alive that knows the true story of the Moore’s or what their effect was on Fort Myers. How disparate we’ve become as our family line dwindles and I’ve moved away.

I make it a point to ask my Mom every time I find a picture: “Who is this? What is this?”

She has all the knowledge. I wish I could somehow filter it all out and bottle it up. But, of course, I can’t.

One day I hope to do something for the Browns – the people who held onto a part of my family that was for sure doomed to be condemned and demolished by the City whose history it holds so close.

For now I look at the boxes and boxes in our garage filled with jewelry and furniture and photo albums and everything the packrats of my Mom’s family tree have sent down to each generation and wonder… who will have the heart to finally sift through and start filtering it down.

On my way out, as I stood in the newly bricked driveway, the Browns continued to talk about their odd connections to my family and all of the effort they’ve put into the house. “Every once in a while people drive by and say “I tried so hard to buy that house,” and Stacey says they simply reply ‘Not hard enough.’”

The stories that always stick out to me are the strange supernatural ones my Mom used to relay. “There’s something special about that house, it has an energy.” It was one of the myriad of reasons she refused to let anyone destroy it.

“You know, we have a psychic friend,” Stacey told me as her husband rolled his eyes and she consequently called him a skeptic.

“Well, anyway. She tells us there’s an old man who sits in the living room and follows us around and he’s just very, very pleased.”

She imagines it’s my grandfather. The man who knocked beehives off of Thomas Edison’s front porch. The man who built a motel from the ground up. The man who was King of Edisonia and raised my Mom and took care of my Grandmother. The man who got Alzheimer’s and lost his mind and passed away before he could ever really know who I was.

The man who now lives in the house where he raised his family and finds himself content – passing the days by watching a family of a new generation with a father who has the same work ethic as him.

Beachin with the “illuminator”

Abby, 2008

I have a love-hate relationship with natural light. It’s my favorite when it bounds through a window, softly illuminating my subject, and then it makes me ill when it’s high noon in Florida and everything looks like it’s being fried by terminal rays of unrelenting white. For this reason, I decided to combat the death rays and start to learn some basics of lighting. I messaged a professor of mine and asked what would be the simplest setup for taking portraits during these godawful hours in the open sun.

Although I was not able to get my hands on a “silk diffuser” I took his advice and found an old piece of cardboard that was ample size to block the sunlight… And so my setup looked a little something like this:

My friends were gracious enough to act as my assistants for the day. Two held the cardboard to block the sun from the subject and two held a rather large reflector in front and to the side providing some fill. All this can be seen in the beautifully rendered illustration above.

Zack 2008

Zack, 2008

My friends took to calling the reflector the “illuminator” and were impressed (and also blinded) by its intense illumination. We ran into a lot of problems while shooting that didn’t show up until I got the film back. I’ll go over just a few:

  • Step back. In many cases the reflector was too close and it acted more as a spotlight than an “illuminator.” Although, in some cases, I enjoyed the effect. (See the image below)
  • Hold still. Granted I didn’t have any practice with this sort of thing and my ‘assistants’ were busy laughing at all the attention we weren’t expecting to receive, I noted that keeping the reflector still and in the proper position is hard to do – especially when you’re on a beach and the wind is acting up.
  • Speaking of the wind, don’t lose the reflector.
  • Be aware. Sometimes the reflector is too low and any light coming in at that angle is a) not flattering, and b) unnatural. Keep it as evenly distributed as possible for a nice effect.

I’m not too sure what else there is to learn from this setup other than that you should be very aware of where your light is coming from and how it’s hitting your subject. Don’t forget to play around. It’s one of the simplest setups you can do and yet it transforms the murderous high noon sun into a soft and gentle light. It’s sort of like taming a lion, or not.

Ben, 2008

Ben, 2008

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